Americans are Panic Buying Toilet Paper and Disinfectant Again
Shelves are empty again in Covid America. Paper towels and disinfectants are once again difficult to find as Americans hoard these products for reasons nobody can fathom.
For the last time, toilet paper does not prevent covid.
New Yorkers are like, come on, panic buying is soooo March 2020.
Giant Supermarket Apologized for Super Spread Thanksgiving Ad
Giant Supermarket advertised for Thanksgiving asking its shoppers: Hosting? Plan a Super Spread! “While, in hindsight, the choice of words was a poor one, Giant had no intentions of insensitivity,” the store said.
Yes it’s tasteless… but it’s also accurate.
— North Avenue Trade School (@DrGeorgeBurdell) November 17, 2020
Elon Musk and his wind up cars, space rockets and boring machines are making this weirdo the third richest person in the world.
Can he get a better haircut.
New Orleans Cancels Mardi Gras
Mardi Gras 2020 was a super spreader event before we even fully understood Covid. But not 2021, because Mardi Gras is cancelled. Mayor LaToya Cantrell has cancelled all parades and parties.
Responsible call, New Orleans.
This year we’re all going to order beads on Amazon and walk around house topless, eating doughnuts
Screw You Moderna, Pfizer’s Vaccine Is Also 95% Effective
Pfizer just announced that their vaccine is also 95% effective and will be submitted for approval to the FDA within days. All anyone wants for Christmas is an icey cold vaccine vile dropped down their chimney. Or a syringe filled with coal if you’ve been bad.
Without Fed Aid The NYC Subway And Bus Service Will Face Massive Layoffs
NYC needs about $12 billion in aid from the government to keep the subway and buses running. Otherwise they could see thousands of layoffs and a 40% reduction in service. If this does happen at least the mole people will get better sleep at night.
“This would absolutely be an end to the New York way of life.”
MTA will propose a budget tomorrow that includes 9,000+ layoffs, 40% cuts to subway service and the elimination of entire bus routes.
Agency needs $12B in COVID aid from Congress. https://t.co/SmqQLsJDJy
— Clayton Guse (@ClaytonGuse) November 18, 2020
The CDC Holiday Guide: No Singing, No Loud Music, No Alcohol
The CDC has released a guide for people celebrating the holidays and they want no singing, no playing of loud music and no drinking of alcohol. Or maybe just don’t celebrate the holidays and get drunk and blast music by yourself in your home. It’s the safe option, people.
Bill Gates Predicts 50% Of Business Travel Is Gone In Post Covid World
Bill Gates had predicted that business travel will drop over 50% in a post covid world and days in the office will be down 30%. Now how will middle management get credit card points? That’s the real tragedy here.
NY Times Thinks The War On Childhood Obesity Has Only Cause Shame
In a NY Times opinion piece, the author says that the war on childhood obesity has just made children feel bad about themselves and caused them to feel shame into adulthood. If there’s an overweight child in your life slap the dumbbell out of his hand and give him a Reese’s Cup instead.
LaVar Ball’s Warm Fatherly Advice To His Sons About Women
LaVar Ball told his sons they will only encounter ‘hoes’ and won’t find a ‘nice woman’ until they retire from the NBA. Ball is hoping these inspiring words will be incorporate during the NBA rookie orientation.
Harvey Weinstein With Jail Rona!?
Big Harvey Weinstein has a high fever and prison doctors think he may have the corona virus.
If anyone can sexually assault this disease it’s Harvey.
Conan O’Brien Ends his Late Night Show for New HBO Max Show
Looks like Conan will be cut the marionette strings for good this June.
Tarantino A Man Of Letters
Quentin Tarantino has told us for years that he plans on retiring from directing and writing books.
Looks like he is making good on his threat, putting out true pulp fiction. He’s got a two book deal that starts with novelizing his last film, “Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood.”
Could be worse. Could be acting.
Sopranos Say: Sauce Or Gravy!?
In the big sauce or gravy debate, you probably say sauce because what kind of idiot calls it gravy?
If it’s gravy, put it on mashed potatoes.
Good Guy Brad Pitt Seen Delivering Food To Those In Need
Brad Pitt was spotted giving out food to low income families at a South Central LA housing project. He’s like a modern day Nino Brown minus the crack.
Michael B Jordan Named Sexist Man Alive
Actor Michael B. Jordan was named People Magazine’s Sexist Man Alive for 2020. The bad news is that it guarantees at least two more Creed movies.
Former America Top Model Star Says The Pope Likes Thick Ladies
Model Toccara Jones says she has no problem with Pope Francis allegedly giving a like to Natalia Garibotto’s racy Instagram photo. The former America’s Next Top Model star added that the clergy should be able to explore their feelings and thinks that the Pontiff has a thing for plus sized women. Baby Got Back is always #1 on The Pope’s playlist.
Matthew Modine Says Full Metal Jacket Role Got Him Off On Speeding Tickets
Matthew Modine said that cops have let him off at least 100 speeding tickets because they recognize him as Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket. But he still can’t show his face in Little Italy because his role in Married To The Mob.
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